DIARY OF A MADDMAN

[Current Condition: Picking Up The Pieces]

I normally don’t even take the time to write a personal blog because no one ever reads them on here, but for some reason, I STILL felt like I should write it. Maybe just to make myself feel better.

Right now, I don’t think I can talk to anyone about this. I am seriously typing this while I hold back the tears. Some strength huh? Anyway, I have always been a person that wanted a good relationship, and I literally had put my heart and soul into this person. I laid everything on the table, and it’s like it failed miserably. I loved everything about him. I knew he had his flaws, and we were opposite in MANY ways, but there was a part of me that believed in us. Sadly, he never saw it that way. I put in so much effort to make it work. I did everything I needed to do, and nothing. Just goes to show you, you can’t make someone love you.

This is the first time, I have left myself so vulnerable to love because, as I stated, I loved him like none-other. I wanted us to be an item. I just wanted what everyone else has experienced. I guess I can’t blame anyone but myself. It seems as though I am always the one to fuck up somehow. I leave my chest open, and then someone comes along and shoots me with an exploding bullet. 

I never felt so weak in my life. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling this same feeling that I have experienced for so long. I know I am goofy and I can be cunning, but behind every smile is a frown :(. I feel helpless, alone, frail, embarrassed, and so much more.

Do you ever get to the point where you get so disappointed you don’t even wanna wake up in the morning? Yeah. That’s how I am right now. I am disappointed, and I feel like that was all I had left. So…What now…

1. maddhatter1 posted this